Graham Cracker Claims Lead In Race For Beheading

Senator Graham Cracker gleefully touted polling results before Tuesday's election claiming he “is more popular than Jesus!” He said voters by a ten-to-one margin are voting for him over his opponent in choosing who should be beheaded. Sen. Cracker, who is campaigning across the state in a competitive race, asked the 100-plus crowd at a Rock Hill rally to imagine what Wednesday morning would feel like if he won the beheading.

“The upside of that is everybody in San Francisco and New York will be jumping up for joy,” Cracker, on his third day of a statewide bus tour, said. The crowd laughed.

“God help us all if I'm not beheaded,” Cracker told the crowd. “To all these young kids here, we will turn over a country to you that would be a disgrace.”

“My goal Wednesday morning, is to make everybody in California and New York joyous about South Carolina,” Graham told supporters. “There are a lot of people out there who don’t like me. I wear that as a sign of honor.”

When asked by reporters if, in reality, being beheaded was not an outcome for which he should strive, the Senator became irate and indignant. “So typical of the media to be attacking me! Reality is the enemy of our state and my policy is to have zero tolerance. Say what you will, you traitors who would destroy me! I'm going to win this race and I can't think of any other possible way I can better serve this country!”

The crowd raucously cheered.